Sacred Journey

A Prada hippie's travels, obsessions and boundless search for MORE JOY!

Beautiful Kula Doggie

Day By Day

Dying, euthanize, passing, transitioning—I realized as I tearfully watched Kula Bear my beautiful golden retriever close his soulful big luminous eyes for the last time all the while as my heart was shattering into a million pieces—that I found comfort and some semblance of peace with the word transitioning. It had taken herculean strength to get to that moment and I prayed my gentle, loving angel boy would know how much I loved him but most of all how grateful I was for his presence and grace in my life.

A month ago we celebrated Kula’s 14th birthday. I drove him to his favorite park two blocks away and he was in doggy heaven as he ambled here and there to sniff all the current events that had been going on for the past 2 years. After an hour of just hanging out and relaxing, we headed back to the car and drove home. In the past Kula’s daily morning routine was to visit the park or head down for a romp at the beach. Two years ago we had to stop our visits to both when Kula’s back legs started giving out and it was too much torture to see him attempt to run around his favorite playground before collapsing. How can you tell your child that has been running around freely in a park his entire life to slow down and take it easy? It finally took a couple of incidents with Andrea, my good friend that was dog sitting, for us to place a moratorium on park outings. Andrea had walked Kula to the park two times and both times he became so exhausted he just collapsed and Andrea had to call a friend to pick them up and take them home. It took Kula months to be able to walk straight or go to the right and stop pulling left to head to the park on our new brief morning walks. Luckily his new daily swimming pool routine was an acceptable trade.

Kula was health challenged from the very first day we met him. I distinctly remember the day we went to pick Kula up. Kula’s owner, who was a friend of ours, was working that day and could not meet us, so he left Kula with two of his other siblings in a crate on his lanai. Our friend hand picked Kula for us and instructed that he would be easy to identify, as he was the largest pup there. Of course he was just the most adorable ball of golden fur and it was instantaneous love. Eric held him driving home and I still recall how he fit exactly the length of his dad’s forearm.

That very first night there was something wrong—Kula was lethargic and he had bloody diarrhea. We rushed him to emergency and found that he had parvovirus the most common virus dogs contract. Thank goodness with antibiotics he was good as new.

One morning when Kula was 3-yrs old he could not open his mouth wide enough to devour his favorite treat. Our vet discovered that he had an auto immune disease called Chronic Myositis that is primarily characterized by chronic muscle inflammation. The treatment prescribed was the steroid prednisone and when that was not successful he was placed on Imuran. Both drugs took their toll on his system and as a result his liver was seriously compromised and he gained 25 lbs.

It was at this point that we heard of a holistic vet that lived on Kauai and made house calls on Oahu named Dr. Ihor Basko. Dr. B immediately got Kula off the Imuran and back onto Prednisone. He slowly with a combination of Chinese herbs, diet and acupuncture weaned Kula to a very low dose of prednisone. Dr. B treated Kula once a month for the next 11-yrs. and I can say without a doubt that without the care of Dr. B…Kula would not have lived another 2-4 years.

For Christmas this year I was unsure how quickly Kula’s legs would hold out and made a video collage of my favorite pictures of him to gift his dad Eric. As the funky tune of “Who let the dogs out” plays in the background—a montage of photos highlighting Kula sleeping alone or with his dad pop up. It’s funny—most of the pictures are of Kula sleeping or lounging—he was definitely a spirit who loved the most important things in life: food and sleep.

Kula really started to deteriorate this past April and navigating the steps in the house became challenging and the strength to get up off the ground was proving more and more difficult. Our dear friends Philip and John were babysitting him and during their stay Philip built Kula a ramp for the back hallway. After returning home Eric built another ramp to go in the living room. Eric and I knew Kula was struggling and we prayed if he could just maintain that level of health we would be okay. Every month when Dr. B. came we would hope he would come up with some miraculous words to soothe our angst. Dr. B. lovingly treated Kula and would repeat each week the same sage words, “He is just getting old.”

Eric and I did everything in our power to make sure Kula was happy and well and we had many discussions over our plan to maintain that goal. We told each other that if and when Kula became in pain, stopped swimming, walking or eating—we would know it was time. The last 3 months were excruciatingly difficult. Kula did not want to swim anymore and would hang out adorned with his water vest on the first step of the pool with none of his past exuberance. It became more and more difficult for him to get up from a lying down position and he started to lose control over his bowels. Eric and I searched the Internet to look for anything that could assist Kula for this handicapped stage. We ended up purchasing 3 different walking harnesses, pee pads and even a doggy diaper. Eric and I knew Kula’s time was drawing near and through many rounds of tears we just kept agreeing to take it “Day by Day.” Everyday Kula would wake up with a loving massage from me and go to bed with one from his dad. I whispered to Kula how much I loved him and how much joy he had brought to our lives. I beseeched him to please go when he needed and told him that his parents would be okay and carry him forever in our hearts.

Kula eventually got to a point where he would not do his business outside in the yard anymore so to counter the accidents in the house, we started taking Kula out for very brief outings 5 times a day. This worked for a short while until the nights of waking up to Kula’s mishaps in his sleep. During the last 3 weeks, Eric and I never having children and zero exposure to diaper duty surprisingly got over the shock of piles of messy poop on our wood floors at 2:00 a.m. in the morning and became more and more nonchalant with every incident. I created an emergency clean up station in our laundry room with all the tools and cleaners required—bucket mop and all.

During the final week of midnight poop drills and no sleep, one early evening I went to check up on Kula on the lanai and found him in a pile of poop and not able to stand up. I calmly carried him to the yard a few feet away, bathed him and then mopped up the mess. When Eric came home from work, I filled him in with the latest incident and he just looked down. I knew he was not ready to have the “talk” and he echoed to me the haunting words, “Day by Day.” The next day when he came home from work I asked him to roll up every throw rug we had in the house. I was very surprised when Eric calmly got up without comment to tend to the task. After all the rugs were rolled up we sat down, looked into each other eyes and the waterfall of tears began. We knew it was time and reassured ourselves that even though Kula had a beautiful life —he was tired and ready to go. Eric finally whispered the single word that I was unable to speak — when?

That is the hardest question any animal owner will ever have to ask him or herself. It was not like Eric and I had not been through this drill with our beloved Belgium Shepherd Misha 4 yrs prior. Dr. B. euthanized Misha, when it was her time, and the pain in our hearts, finally did mend. It was helpful that Eric and I discussed what physical markers would need to manifest in order to help us make our final decision. However there were no guidelines for our emotions. We knew for certain that if ever Kula was in pain that would be it. The dilemma was Kula was not in any pain and he was still able to walk. We did not set a limit on how many nights of sleep we would miss or how many ounces of tears we would need to cry.

As soon as Eric uttered the word “when?” I told him about a vet named Brenda Smith. Under normal circumstances, we would have Dr. B. euthanize Kula but his beloved dog of 20 years Makana had just passed away a few months prior and the wound was still too raw. Dr. B. had given Kula a treatment two days prior and I secretly knew it was time when after the treatment—Dr. B. went over to Kula lying down on the lanai and petted him for awhile before he left. With every cell in my being, I realized Dr. B. knew that the next time he saw Kula it would be to help him with his transition. 4 months prior— I followed up on a referral by Kula’s doggy walker and checked out Dr. Brenda Smith of Cherished Pet Honolulu. Dr. Smith specifically travels around the island to people’s homes to assist them with their animal’s passing. I downloaded and filled out her euthanasia permission form and placed it in a big manila envelope with Kula’s name on it. It took every ounce of strength in me to dial the phone to call Dr. Smith. Her recorder came on and I was able to leave a clear message without sounding like a babbling idiot. Because she did not answer the phone, Eric and I had to talk about other options and we both dreaded the thought of having to drive Kula to our Vet here on Oahu. That evening the gods were on our side and Dr. Smith called us back in 15 minutes and was at our doorstep in 45 minutes.

Eric and I were a wreck and tried to soothe Kula as best we could in his favorite room in the back of the house – the same room his sister Misha passed in. It was such a surprise to meet Dr. Smith—she looked so young. Dr. Smith was professional, calming and compassionate. As she stroked Kula’s fur and prepared him, she walked us through each step of the process and kept voicing what a beautiful dog he was. Dr. Smith had the perfect inflection in her voice – not too upbeat but yet not too morose. The entire process was over in 20 minutes and as we helped to place Kula on the stretcher, Dr. Smith gently wrapped his body in a blanket. When he was situated in the car, she turned down the cover exposing Kula’s face and asked us if we wanted to say our final goodbyes. Even though we both knew his spirit was already romping around with his sister in a beautiful grassy park, we bent down to hug and kiss him one last time.

Eric and I both took sleeping pills to go to sleep. Even with the drugs Eric did not sleep very well and was up bright and early busying himself gathering all of Kula’s things in the house. I noticed he must have been crying in the night as there were many used tissues crumpled up on his side of the bed. Eric was tremendously impacted by the void and the lack of his usual morning routine for Kula. That morning I needed to go to yoga—a place I could work through my sadness and to feel the pulse of life. I got through class okay and left early during savasana so I would not have to speak to anyone without breaking down. When for I left for yoga Eric was lost in a haze of sorrow and the haze was more like a dense heavy cloud when I got home. All we could do was work through our grief and alleviate the pain with the releasing of more tears. Walking around the entire day like wounded zombies, we realized what a BIG energetic presence Kula had and the void felt huge and vacuous.

That afternoon, we had to get out of the house and lick our wounds somewhere else so that at every turn we would not be reminded of our little bear. We threw some clothes in a bag and headed to Ihilani resort. Just leaving the house triggered more tears as Eric reached for the back room’s door to close it as if Kula was in it. The escape was exactly what we needed—we sunbathed at the beach and took epic long naps. We had no idea how exhausted we were mentally and physically. The past months and especially the last two weeks had taken its’ toll on us and as it turned out we only needed our bathing suits as we stayed in both nights, ordered room service and watched good feeling movies like “Secretariat.”

I must say the days are getting better and I don’t look for the little one as much as I used to. Digging out a box of photos I have of Kula and Misha I was able to rejoice in each memory of him without crying too much. On my way to yoga— I mentioned to Eric that I was going to put the box out for him just in case he wanted to look at the photos as well. I purposefully put my favorite picture on the top of the pile of Eric holding Kula in the crook of his arm that very first day he came to grace our lives.
Our friends and family were so supportive and we are grateful for all of the phone calls, texts, e-mails, cards, flowers and angel doggy ornaments.

After 16 years of having two incredible, magical 4-legged beings of light grace our lives—I truly endorse the belief that all animals come into our lives for a purpose… to teach unconditional love, help guide and love us and to nurture and support our spiritual expansion. Kula and Misha did all of the above and much, much more. I will be eternally forever grateful for their presence in our lives and will always carry their spirits with me.